you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Randomize
