Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
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So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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