Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
