On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
