I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
