I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
