There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I bet he comes in French.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
