I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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