he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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