You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
