I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
