eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
