Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
