You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
