weddingsv make me drug and hornr
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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