dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
