I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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