I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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