using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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