There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
