3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
