I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
