God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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