We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
