I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
