You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
