what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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