I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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