i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
