Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
