My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
