Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
