Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
MIDGETS
????
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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