I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
