census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
We named our party play list daddy issues
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
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