take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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