Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
