Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
