24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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