i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
