my mouth tastes like poor choices
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
