Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
