so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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