i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
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