Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
