Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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