I want to walk on stilts...naked
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
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