We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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