I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
