Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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