I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
