mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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