if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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