he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
