If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
