A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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