when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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