hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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