My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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