Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
