I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
