Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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