You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
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Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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