Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
