It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
