Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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