1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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