I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
