I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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