ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
